by Amanda Krysinski and Chris Frenier

Listen Here!

Narrator: Last time on Thank You Mr. Postman our debonair detective Rodney McFearson broke the case of the counterfeit Girl Scout Cookies wide open after witnessing the handoff of the “goods” from the girl scouts to the postman.   We rejoin our hero this month at the post office, as he attempts to get to the bottom of the crunchy caper.

McFearson N: I saw the post man slink into his truck, the counterfeit cookie boxes in hand.   I knew that if I followed him, he would lead me straight to the source of this mystery.  

Sound Effects: Car starting and dying

McFearson: Sweet Carbon Monoxide Poisioning! The Escort's dead!   She hasn't failed since…well…since this morning.   Looks like I only have one choice…

Sound Effects:   Ghetto Cell Phone Dialing

McFearson: Hello, Miss Claire…yes…no…no, I don't need a back rub…yes…yes…of course I'm wearing underwear, what does…no…ok, ok, can you just come pick me up, I…uhhhh…don't want to scratch the escort, just got ‘er detailed.   Bring your rust bucket over here so I can trail this perversion of postal ethics.

Sound Effects:   Music-transition

Sound Effects:   Racing motor revving

McFearson: Alright Ms. Claire, move over, I'll drive this junker, don't want you to get hurt.

Claire: Dectective, can you even drive a stick…I mean, the Lamborghini, an import, the transmission might be a little different then the Ford's.

McFearon: Oh Poppycock, I've been driving for years…

Claire: Detective, isn't your license suspen…

McFearson: Ssssshssssh, Don't worry…I'll drive this horse like a cowboy on a cattle drive.  

Sound Effects:   Car revving, scraping, hitting something

Claire: Oh, Oh my, I don't think that pole was flexible

McFearson: Don't you worry your pretty little head darling…I'm on this like sour cream on alfalfa sprouts…

Claire: huh…don't you mean…oh god….

Sound Effects:   Music

McFearson: Its got to be this house, he's be driving for 2 hours now…I know it's this one

Clarie: No, I don't think so, all he's got is a Highlights for Kids magazine and a copy of Obscure Sports Quarterly…

McFearson: Oh, then it's this one…it must be this house, it's the 67 th one he's been to.

Claire: Wait, isn't this Dick Cheney's house…hey, is that a copy of Master Marksman, The Extreme Grouse Hunting Edition?

McFearson: Well…isn't this awkward…cough…

Narrator: The writers of this serial would just like to apologize to our Republican listeners for any anger and/or humiliation that that joke may have caused.   We'd like to return you to our story, one hundred and twenty houses later…

Claire: Oh, I think this is the house…

McFearson: Sweet Jacque Custeau…this is it, the house…we've reached it…this is the moment that's gonna make this case…

Claire: (muttering) good thing you're here…or I might not have seen it.

McFearson: What was that Miss Claire?

Claire: Oh nothing, just noticing that your sleuthing skills are sooooo powerful…(fading) kind of like your chiseled abs…

McFearson: Miss Claire, I can't hear a word you're saying, you've got to stop muttering!   Just wait here for now…when this cookie crumbles, things might get a little messy.

Claire: Oh, detective…

McFearson: yes Miss Claire?

Claire: be... careful, I couldn't bare to lose you…

McFearson: You don't need luck when you're this FEARsish… I'll be back in a jiff.

Sound Effects:   car door slam

Mrs. Olson: Thank you Mr. Postman.

McFearson: By the glove of Michael Jackson? Mrs. Olson?

Mrs. Olson: Detective McFEARson?

McFearson: Drop that box and get inside Mrs. Olson, I'm about to Do-Si-So with this postman. Postman? Sweet Friar Tuck, he's running!

Sound Effects: footsteps, tackle, assorted grunting

McFearson: Looks like you picked the wrong day to FEAR with the FEAR in McFearson

Postman: I wasn't trying nothing…I've got no idea what you're taking about…

McFearson: Like hell, don't lie to me postBOY, you're the baker behind this evil recipe of deception.

Postman: I don't know nothing…this whole thing…it ain't my deal…I just work for a guy.   Well…kind of a guy…

McFearson: What's the name? Who's running this???

Postman: All I know is that she calls herself The Leader.   She sends one of those o'so adorable girl scouts to the post office every week, and they give me the cookies, I just deliver. I swears!!

McFearson: So you're just a pawn…hmm…take me to The Leader…NOW

Postman: I can't, I've already said too much…I die with honor

Sound Effects:   Gulp, dying sigh

McFearson: Holy Buddah's Belly, A syonide Somoa…I cant believe it…its barbaric…Miss Claire! Lets get out of here. We got to find The Leader.

Claire: But detective, what about the body…

McFearson: Umm, just drive, NOW!!!!

Sound Effects:   Tire screech…motor fade away

Narrator: Will Detective McFearson find the mysterious Leader?   Will his seduction of Miss Claire continue?   Will the detective ever get the Ford Escort started?   Tune in next week, on Thank You Mr. Postman.