by Amanda Krysinski and Chris Frenier
Narrator: Last time on “Thank you Mr. Postman” we left our daring detective, Rodney McFearson gallantly on the run. After a ferocious battle, with our mail-carrying villain, codename Postman has been eliminated. We rejoin our heroic hero and his dazzling dame in hot pursuit of the criminal mastermind, “The LEADER.”
Sound effect: Squealing tires, soft radio song starts
McFearson: Think man, think! If I were a criminal mastermind in charge of the fate of the world, where would I live? THINK, THINK, THINK!
Miss Claire: Oh… detective… I'm sure you'll think of something, you always do…I'll just sit here and stare at you as you… sleuth…
McFearson: Errrrr… I hate to ponder on an empty stomach…I need some FEAR food, something undeniably sweet that can kickstart the old McFearson Mind.
Miss Claire: (seductively) I think I have something that could help.
McFearson: (distracted) Really, what's that?
Miss Claire: Well, my ex-husband always told me I was and excellent (pause) cook.
McFearson: That's preposterous Miss Claire, we don't have time to go to the office just so you can make your World-Famous Filet Mignon with Crème Burle.
Miss Claire: (disappointed) Oh, well, then there's a taco bell up ahead.
McFearson: No, not that, that's not what I'm craving, and besides, I get gassy when I eat Mexican. I need something…Sweet
Miss Claire: Yes
McFearson: Something thin and light…something that nourishes the eyes, as well as the soul
Miss Claire: (stammers) YEs
McFearson: Something readily available…and cheap
Miss Claire: (hesitantly) Yes
McFearson: But most importantly, something that can fulfill my insatiable, animal desire for…
Miss Claire: YES!!!!!!
McFearson: I need…GIRL SCOUT COOKIES
Miss Claire: (breathes in excitedly) sigh…of course
McFearson: And I know just the place to get them…Chillcoot Charlie's
Miss Claire: Umm, I think they only sell those in January actually, but if you like Coots, I could always…
McFearson: Fine then, I'll have to settle for the Girl Scout Headquarters…
Miss Claire: hmm, that's exactly what I was going to suggest…(disappointingly)
Sound effect: Roll Up in parking lot, open/close car door
McFearson: God, I hope they have Trefoils, I ‘m not sure I can make it without Trefoils.
Sound effect: Door bell tinkling, shutting
Receptionist: Welcome to Girl Scout Headquarters, I'll just inform the “leadership,” of your presence
Receptionist: (into radio): We have a visitor on the compound
McFearson: I just came for cookies. Give… me…cookies…
Miss Claire: … Detective, I…
Receptionist: Detective?! This is Green Vest One to Command Base. I have a Code 7 in sector 12, requesting back up.
Sound effect: incoherent radio static
Miss Claire: What? Wha-what the devil?
McFearson: Sweet Louis Vitton! We're surrounded!
Miss Claire: Look out detective! Behind you!
McFearson: Who? By the sock of big foot! It's! They-they're GIRL SCOUT NINJAS!
Ninja 1: Hey, I've got 972 patches, my favorites were sewing, small mammal care, and kicking your behind.
Ninja 2: True dat Gertrude. And I just earned my badge in chemical warfare and trefoil throwing stars.
Ninja 1: Oh darn, I really wanted that one…. Oh well, at least I just got my third badge for medieval and ancient Chinese weaponry use.
McFearson: Oh yeah…well…I had a BB Gun in 7 th grade…how'd you like that!!
Ninjas: (together) Time to die!!!
McFearson: Get down Ms. Claire!!!
Miss Claire: (swoon) help me Detective)
McFearson: NOOOO, YOU DON'T TOUCH MISS CLAIRE…AGGGGGGGHHHHHH
Ninja 2 : Oh No, He's got…nooooo…Boy Scout Popcorn
McFearson: Oh yeah, I got two kinds…chocolate covered….or kettle corn
Ninja 1: Time to get out of here girls…I don't want my vest to get wrinkled
Ninja 2: Run
Ninjas: Scream and run away
McFearson: Thank God I keep a stash of Boy Scout popcorn in my pockets at all times (chewing)…but more importantly…Quick Miss Claire, we've got to get to the cookie warehouse…something shady's going on here.
Sound effect: “Running Music”
McFearson: (out of breath) Wow, they sure do have a lot of cookies here, I mean, they're not even for sale yet
Sound effect: Dramatic Villain Music
The Leader: Mr. McFearson
McFearson: Hey, great, you cant get any service around here…I need 3 boxes of this mints, a box of samoas, and umm, 5 boxes of Trefoils…Miss Claire do you want anything?
Miss Claire: Uhh Detective…umm….that's uh…
McFearson: Hey, what's you name Mam, so I can fill out a comment card at the desk…ops…you've got a nametag on…what's it say…The Leader
McFearson: Wait…where have I heard that name before?
Sound effect: Dreamy flashback music…excerpt from last month…dream back
McFearson: Mother of…of…of Gary Coleman!!!! You're the Leader. You're behind the counterfeit ring…
The Leader: That's Right, its time to die…
McFearson: What are you going to do, stab me with your stilettos?
The Leader: NO, but I will shank you with this 6 inch switch-blade
McFearson: Oh dang…I was NOT expecting that
Miss Claire: DETECTIVE…THE NINJAS THEY”VE GOT ME
The Leader: That's right…its just you and me detective…mono e mono…one on one…no body else…solo…just us two…me and you…so happy together…
McFearson: SHUT UP…you're trying WAY to hard…
The Leader: Really, I thought was pretty good…I mean it seemed solid yesterday…I've been working on it for ten years…
McFearson: Ridiculous catch phrases asides, its time to end this
The Leader: DIE… aggh…off…ouch (falling)
Sound effect: Struggling…
McFearson: Ha, once again, stilettos are a woman's downfall…if you guys would just learn to wear some more practical shoes…
The Leader: Please Detective…spare my life…I love these girls
McFearson: Is it comforting to know that all that stands between your life and this razor sharp trefoil is your thin, pasty white skin…Now what should I do, save you, or end this…what should I do…
Narrator: Will Detective McFearson finish the Loathsome Leader off? What will happen to Miss Claire? Will those adorable Ninjas get another badge? Will Detective McFearson foil this Fearish plot. Find out next time on Thank You Mr. Postman
Thank You Mr. Postman
