by Noah Magen

Listen here!

Announcer voice: Is you dirt poor or just sick of paying tons of money every week just for some food? Well now there's Value-mart Super Store, the cheapest way to get the cheapest food. At Value-mart Super Store we have all the food that your regular shopping mart has we just get the products that those “normal stores” might throw out. No need to go dumpster diving, we've done it for you. Like what's so good about Florida oranges and why do oranges have to be orange we import the best green oranges right from Finland. Here at Value-mart Super Store we've got the worst, I mean best, produce we could find and for great prices. Take this fresh lobster right from Ohio for only $2 per bushel or a great can of baffle soup made out of the best mysterious stuff right for Ecuador. Not only is our food great but or staff is made up of the best convicts money could buy. So next time you loose your main source of income in a tragic lama accident and your as poor as a …well as a poor person, just come right over to Value-mart Super Store, the cheapest place to get the cheapest food.

Guy voice: “ I love value-mart superstore it's so cheap and the food tastes just like my mommas cooking”

Employee voice: “I've been working for Value-mart Super Store for the last three years of my probation and its really helped me get rid of my anger problem”

 

Customer voice: “Hey where's the toilet paper”

“ What do I look like flipin map”

Woman voice: “ After my main source of income was killed in a freak lama accident I started going to value-mart superstore and the food tastes like beep but at least my kids aren't suffering for malnutrition”

Kid voice: “ Mom my stomach hurts”

Woman voice: “ No it doesn't”

Announcer Warning: The owners of Value-mart Super Store are not at fault for any deaths or serious injuries that occurred at or by the use of Value-mart Super Store products.   Common side effects of Value-mart Super Stores products include serious skin disorders, bad breath, minor heart attacks, stokes, seizures, blood clots, arachnophobia, agoraphobia and many others. Do not come in close contact to our staff and do not make eye contact with them.